


All Aboard the U.S.S. Crackship

by Imasupermuteant



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Anthropomorphic Space Ships, Community: shipwars, Crack, Crack Pairing, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, Team Crackship, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-08
Updated: 2012-03-08
Packaged: 2017-11-01 15:39:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 8,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/358483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imasupermuteant/pseuds/Imasupermuteant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various unrelated drabbles and comment fic written for Ship Wars 2010. </p><p>None of it makes sense, but at some point there are tentacles!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spock/Statistical Thesis

It was hard to get such large items delivered to the enterprise with any regularity but Spock had managed to arrange for his package to arrive within a few weeks of it becoming available. He'd had to bribe a member of the interplanetary mail services and may have... feigned a slight computer malfunction in order to delay the ship by ten minutes but it had all been worth it.  
  
Ignoring the confused looks from passing crewmembers, Spock didn't quite jog to his quarters, clutching the brown-paper wrapped package in as casual a way as possible.   
  
He almost breathed a sigh of relief (but didn't because that would, of course, be un-Vulcan of him) upon reaching his quarters and sealing the door. With steady hands, he unwrapped his hard-won prize from it's casing.  
  
Spock inhaled sharply as the embossed cover of the old-style book was revealed, it's pages heavy with the scent of _knowledge_.   
  
Spock could find himself getting achingly hard as he gazed at his brand new copy of "Statistical approaches to distinct value estimation", imagining the wealth of plots and graphs and _percentages_ contained within.   
  
It was going to be a long night.


	2. Chekov and the Enterprise Have a Lover's Tiff

"Chekov!" Kirk demanded as the red alert began blaring without warning "What the _fuck_ is going on?"  
  
"We're losing atmosphere on deck two, captain!" Uhura reported from her station.  
  
"Sensors are non-responsive." Spock said, his voice calm but loud.  
  
"I don't know!" Chekov cried, "I don't know what I did!"  
  
The ship shook.  
  
"Well you'd better figure it out Ensign!" The captain shouted.   
  
Instead of the usual panorama of space, the viewscreen had begun displaying Russian curses in blood-red text.  
  
Chekov read the text as fast as he could,"Oh." He whispered " _Oh!_ "  
  
The Navigator laid his hand on the console in a calming fashion, "It wasn't what you think!" He cried,"We're just friends!"   
  
The bridge shook.  
  
"It's not my fault she has no sense of personal space!" Chekov cried, "дорогая, baby, I would newer do that to you!"   
  
The bridge went from red to yellow alert, and the captain breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"I will tell Lieutenant Yanna that she is to keep her distance, yes?"   
  
The bridge settled back to normal.  
  
Chekov sighed, "I love you too."  
  
Kirk rubbed a hand over his face with a quiet curse as Scotty's voice came over the comm.  
  
"What's this about Chekov _cheating_ on my girl, captain? Do I need to come up there and kick some arse?"  
  
"It's all right Mr. Scott." Kirk said with a wry smile, "Crisis averted."


	3. Sulu/Chekov/Cthulu

Sulu had promised, _promised_ him that they would he would never again be even brushed across the ass by another tentacle monster.  
  
It started with the plants. Chekov knew that Sulu collected some rather strange specimens, but until they started dating he'd never even imagined the number of plants in Sulu's greenhouse that had long, gooey tentacles and a fondness for human skin. The first time, when he'd been molested by the Andoran slickvine, he'd laughed and written it off as a weird but generally pleasant chance encounter. But then came the Romulan pulsenettle and the Bajoran tentatree and that thing from the Planet of The Sentient Plants which was always sending him chocolates after.  
  
Then on a supposedly routine away mission Chekov and Sulu had just _happened_ to run into a male of a certain alien species which were known throughout the quadrant for their prehensile aphrodisiac limbs.   
  
It was at this point that Chekov began to suspect that his boyfriend had a kink. It ended in a spectacular fight in which there was shouting and Captain Kirk had to intervene with water guns. Chekov had made up with Sulu on the strict condition that there would be _no more tentacles_.  
  
Which is why Chekov is glaring at his boyfriend with the power of a thousand suns as the current planet's inhabitants lead them towards an altar on which reclines the most _perverted_ looking tentacle monster he'd even encountered.   
  
"I didn't do this!" Sulu insists as the natives prod them closer to the creature with flit-tipped spears (and what kind of warp-capable society uses _spears_ anyway).   
  
"Sure you didn't." Chekov grumbles.  
  
"I didn't! This is all them! You know I wouldn't do this to you again baby."  
  
"Silence!" The big scaly alien shouts, "You will be the sacrifice to Lord Cthulu and bring about a new age of properity!"  
  
"Why did the Keptin agree to this?" Chekov asked as they inched closer.  
  
"They made it clear that we won't die... We'll just be... er..." Sulu trailed off.  
  
"Here's hoping that goo is psychedelic this time." Chekov sighed.  
  
Cthulu looked at them with hypnotic eyes, his tentacles undulating in excitement.   
  
"Well." Chekov sighed as the natives drew curtains around them and he joined the tentacle beast on the bed, "At least it wasn't a plant this time."


	4. Two Hangover Ficlets Featuring Spock/Ayel and Kirk/Desk

  
Spock had a headache. A massive, pounding, headache the likes of which no Vulcan had ever experienced before. He groaned, attempting to rise from the pile of blankets on which was most definitely _not_ his bed.  
  
Running his tongue along the back of his teeth, Spock noted that he must have consumed a great deal of chocolate the evening before. The Vulcan officer was also startled to notice that he remembered almost nothing of the past twelve hours.  
  
“Urrrgh.” Someone moaned from the bed behind him, “What happened and why do I feel like I just ate Godiva out of business?”  
  
“I do not know,” Spock replied calmly to the unknown person, “Perhaps you could enlighten me as to what occurred last night?”  
  
“Spock?” The man said.  
  
“Yes?” Spock finally turned to look at his erstwhile bed partner only to lock eyes with a heavily tattooed Romulan.  
  
“Holy fuck.” Ayel breathed, “Nero is going to _murder_ me.”  
  
Spock could only find himself agreeing.

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------

 

 

“I must have gotten laid last night.” James Kirk moaned, “Because there is no other way this hangover could be worth it.”  
  
“I'm sorry to disappoint you.” Bones grumbled, running a tricorder over Jim's head, “but the only action you got last night was from your own hand.”  
  
“What?” Jim groaned, “No sex?”  
  
“Not for lack of trying. You encountered a plant on the surface of the last planet which put you in a heightened state of arousal and mental confusion.” Bones explained.  
  
“Right!” Kirk mumbled, “Sex pollen. It's 'sposed to end in lots of _sex_ , not the world's bitchiest headache.”  
  
“You were allergic to the sex pollen!” Bones snapped, “I spent the night fighting off anaphylaxis while you tried to rub off on my desk.”  
  
Kirk coughed, hacked, and spit a chunk of polleny goo onto the floor while he scratched at the fading hives on his neck, “Oh.”


	5. Spock/Sehlat?

Spock returned from his first off-planet trip full of stories, thoroughly restrained enthusiasm over the new astrophysics lab on Gamma Vega, and carrying a shard of rock crystal which he gave to his mother with a sense of solemn gravity that was common of Vulcan's his age. Amanda greeted him warmly with a light hug and a kiss on the cheek. He didn't wrinkle his nose or lean away in the same fashion as a twelve-year-old human child might, but he did raise his eyebrow in a way that easily conveyed a similar sort of embarrassment.   
  
“Someone's been missing you,” Amanda told him, nodding towards the door that led out to the back garden, where Spock's pet sehlat (dubbed “Teddy” when Spock was three and didn't know better) was kept on Sarek's strict order that it never enter the house.   
  
Spock did not grin, nor did he run to the door to greet his companion, but his steps were a bit faster and lighter than normal and he did not hesitate at the doorway as he might have done in more polite circles.   
  
Out in the garden, Spock was eagerly greeted by his pet. Teddy came bounding from behind a large outcropping of rock with all the speed and enthusiasm of a creature which lacked the cognitive ability to restrain itself.   
  
Spock went down with a thud under 200 pounds of delighted sehlat, Teddy covering him with gleeful licks and a few loving nibbles with potential deadly teeth.   
  
“I suppose I was mildly distressed by your absence as well.” Spock told Teddy, quietly so his father wouldn't overhear him conversing with a non-sentient being, “But this display is unseemly.”   
  
Teddy gave a cheerful growl, his entire body quaking with the force of his joy as he rubbed himself against Spock and...   
  
What was that?!   
  
Spock looked down at his pet with a growing sense of horror at the strange, leaking protrusion that was coming from his lower abdomen. Something was wrong with Teddy!   
  
“Sit!” Spock shouted in a voice that was most certainly not expressing his worry, “Stay!”  
  
Teddy sat and stayed. Spock ran to get his mother.  
  
It took a few hours of explanation of biological phenomena and a pamphlet entitled Experiencing Pon Farr before Spock would believe that Teddy was not going to die from a malignant tumor and (due to a verbal fumble on the part of Sarek) that he himself would not develop a similar cancer and perish in a painful and embarrassing fashion.   
  
“It's completely natural.” his mother informed him, but Spock found himself hard pressed to believe her.  
  
Years after he had left home to join Star Fleet, and after he had finally come to believe and accept his parent's explanations, after the Narada incident and the loss of his planet and the woman who had given him life, Spock thought about Teddy. The sehlat had greeted him in the same manner each time he returned home, weather it be after a day or a year, a solid presence in Spock's life.   
  
Years later, Spock realized that he would never come home to Teddy again.


	6. Zombie!Pike/Zombie!Pirate!Nero

Pike had come across a number of strange things since he began his third career (the first involved dancing at a bar called “The Admiralty” for almost a decade and he didn't talk about it very much), so little since his undeath had phased him in the least. Even the zombie tribbles hadn't given him pause; he still kept one in a cage in his quarters.

And yet this, _this_ shocked him. Shocked him a lot.

“You're supposed to be dead!” He exclaimed in a very manly shriek.

“I am.” Nero growled.

And, with a second glance, Pike realized that Nero was, much like Pike himself, one of the walking dead.

“You're supposed to be _dead_ dead! Like, crushed into tiny atomic particles at the center of a singularity, or at least bothering someone else's reality!”

“I got better.” Nero told him in that same sarcastic rumbling drawl that left Pike both frightened and aroused. He took a minute to wonder as to weather or not the centurian slug had managed to cross a few wires in his spinal chord. Or Stockholm syndrome maybe? Could you develop Stockholm syndrome in less than a day?

“Why am I even talking to you?” Pike asked Nero and himself, turning to leave the fine drinking establishment he had entered just moments before (it reminded him an awful lot of The Admiralty but he was trying not to notice.

“No! Wait!” Nero cried, nearly spilling his bright sunshine-and-daisies-yellow drink.

“What? Do you want to tie me down and feed me bugs that will slowly destroy my ability to think rationally or to function below the waist?”

“Buy you a drink?”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“No bugs or anything.” Nero cajoled, “I promise.”

Pike found himself turning back to the bar. Nero might have been a crazy mother fucker, but he was hot and Pike hadn't hung with anyone other than Number One in quite a while. Not that he had anything against Number One, she was just a little too female to have a penis.

“Why the hell are you so sane?” Pike asked as he sat and the bartender slipped him something similar to Nero's, only in an offensive shade of pink.

“A lot of things seem clearer once you're dead. I'm sure you understand.” Nero told him.

“I guess...”

“And Ayel said I was a crazy obsessive prick who didn't know a good thing when it sucked his cock... I felt I ought to reassess my position on things.”

“Wise decision.”

“I thought so.”

There was a long pause as both men sipped their glittery drinks and contemplated un-life.

“So I'm a pirate now.” Pike began in what he hoped was a conversational tone. He was getting an idea, a devious, terrible, _wonderful_ idea.

“Are you?” Nero sounded bored. Pike almost giggled.

“We're looking for someone who can handle himself on a starship, you know the labor pool in this particular line of work is a little sparse.”

“Benefits?” He was a slick little bastard.

“Non-existent, but I do have sex with almost the entire crew on a daily basis.” Pike sipped at his pink!slush.

“How big is the crew?”

“Counting you?” Pike was already starting to count him, “Three.”

“ _Vanilla_ sex?”

“Chocolaty sex... No. Blueberry... crazy rainbow-swirl-wasabe flavored sex.”

“... Really?”

Pike almost rolled his eyes, “Yes really.”

“Weeell...”

“We don't discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation or reanimation.” Pike cajoled.

“I don't know...”

“You get to say 'arrr' a lot if you want.”

“I _do_ like saying 'arrr'” Nero considered.

“Oh, and we get to eat the brains of those we defeat.” Pike told him as a last-shot.

“That sounds... delicious.”

Pike grinned, “Thought you'd enjoy that. Come with me, I'll introduce you to my dildo collection, and the rest of the crew too.”

And thus was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.


	7. Anthropomorphic Enterprise/Narada AU!

Ennie had never enjoyed her job at the soda shop so much as she did when the Romulans moved in down the street. The minute she saw their 16 year old daughter, wearing indecently short-shorts and a shirt tight enough to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that she didn't believe in bras, Ennie knew she was in love.  
  
While the rest of the neighborhood bemoaned the strange-looking new residents, Ennie was simply grateful that Narada has a fondness for strawberry milkshakes and a seemingly endless allowance.  
  
Each Friday, Ennie came into work at the soda shop in her shortest skirt and the bright silver heels that made all the boys in her advanced physics class go blue in the face. She waited, her face lighting up each time the little bell on the door jingled, and falling each time it turned out to be some know-nothing boy who would look her up and down like she'd dressed just for them.  
  
"Get out of my diner, Jim Kirk." She growled, irritated enough that she would snap at her best friend. Ennie had been sure that Narada would show between 1:30 and 3:00, just like she did every Friday, but they were pushing 2:45 and Narada had yet to show.  
  
"Don't be like that, baby." Jim flirted as he slid onto a bar stool, "Why don't you just get your guy a root beer float, huh?"  
  
"You are not my guy. Kirk." She growled, Slamming his drink down on the counter and proceeding to polish glasses with the fury of a thousand suns. Jim rolled his eyes, but payed close attention to the way her eyes gleamed as the door bell jingles again, only to fall once she realized that it was only Farragut.  
  
"Wow." Jim said, "You've really got it bad. Are those the bitch-shoes you're wearing?"  
  
"Shut up." She growled, throwing a dish-rag at him, "You don't talk about me and I won't mention that hing you had with Mr. Pike."  
  
"I told about that..."  
  
"What?" She growled, "That you desperately want to screw a guy old enough to be your father?"  
  
"Mmmph." Jim muttered into his sleeve.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"I said I might have maybe sorta kinda screwed him already a little."  
  
"YOU WHAT?!" Ennie screeched, causing the entire diner to quiet down for a moment.  
  
"I came down here just to tell you." Jim defended, "But you were being all lovey-dovey over somone who barely knows your name."  
  
  
"Oh my god." Ennie cried, letting her head fall on the counter with a thud, "Even my creepy geriatric-loving best friend is getting laid."  
  
"I resent that." Jim growled.  
  
Just as Ennie was about to respond, the door chimed again. She looked up, ready to see another disappointment, only to see the very object of her affections waltz through the door wearing daisy dukes and a pair of boots that made Ennie want to crawl under the counter and die. And, of course, no bra.  
  
Ennie took a deep breath, "H-hi Narada."  
  
"Hi there Enterprise." Narada said with a grin sitting down at the bar next to Jim and crossing her legs, flashing enough thigh that Ennie could feel her blush flowing down her chest.  
  
"S-strawberry right?" Ennie asked her, already reaching behind the bar for a large milkshake glass.  
  
"That and your number."  
  
The glass slipped and hit the ground,shattering. In her shock, Ennie didn't even attempt to pick the pieces of glass up from the ground.   
  
"What?!"  
  
"Your number." Narada pushed, "Or did I misinterpretation the deep, soulful looks you've been giving my nipples for the past three weeks."  
  
Ennie didn't know what to say. She scribbled her number down on a napkin and slid it across the bar, all plans for a slick seduction ruined and feeling the burn of her blush across her entire body.  
  
"Great." Narada said, snatching up the napkin, "I'll see you tomorrow at the theater. Do you like zombies? Well, we'll decide what we're seeing when we get there."  
  
With that Narada jumped from the stool and moved towards the door, "Oh! By the way," She said, her eyes flickering up and down Ennie's body, "Nice shoes."  
  
Narada left in a swirl of confidence and sexyness that left Ennie simultaneously aroused and mortified.  
  
Jim nearly fell of the stool with laughter.  
  
Ennie hit him with her dishrag and went back to planning her outfit for tomorrows date.


	8. Dirty Porn Sequel to the Anthropomorphic Enterprise/Narada AU!

Ennie may be new at this sort of thing, but she's done plenty of reading and the enthusiastic moans she getting from Narada make her feel as if she's doing at least _something_ right.   
  
She's sliding her tongue across Narada's clit and the taste is not good precisely, but it's _satisfying_ in a way that's pretty shocking. Ennie always knew she had an oral fixation but she surprises herself with the amount of pleasure she derives from this simple act, the pleasure she gets from giving Narada pleasure, and she's moaning all by herself as she caresses Narada with her tongue.   
  
Narada is letting out another low moan as Ennie slowly presses a finger, and then two, into her, all the while keeping up the slick rhythm of her tongue. Ennie knows she will never get tired of this, feeling the power that comes with driving Narada out of her mind.   
  
"Oh _fuck_ " Narada cries as Ennie suddenly presses into her hard and starts a punishing suction on her clit, grinning as Narada begins panting and moaning in earnest.   
  
Narada's hands are clenching in her hair, tight enough to express her message that Ennie should _stay there_ , tangling with the long silver strands. All the women in Ennie's family go grey early, but the fact that her hair is almost white at the age of 17 is still a point of embarrassment for her.   
  
She remembers the first time Narada had seen that her 'carpet' matched her 'drapes', just days before when the two them had decided to strip down and "just look". Narada had been so excited at what Ennie considered to be an embarrassing genetic flaw. She had only believed that Narada found it truly attractive when her girlfriend had taken Ennie's fingers and pressed them into her, showing off how wet the sight of Ennie's body made her.   
  
"Ennie." Narada sighs, drawing Ennie's attention to the present, " _Enterprise_... I... _Oh_."   
  
Ennie knows that Narada is close to coming as she begins to pant in earnest. Tiny, vulnerable whimpers escaping her as Ennie increases the rhythm of both fingers and tongue. Narada only sounded vulnerable when she was about to orgasm.   
  
" _Oooh_ " Narada is coming, almost silently, her body shivering with tremors as her orgasm reaches it's peak. Her inner muscles squeezing in an involuntary rhythm around Ennie's fingers.   
  
" _Thank_ you Ennie." Narada says with a sated sigh, pulling the other girl into a kiss, despite where Ennie's lips have just come from.   
  
It is perfect. Absolutely perfect. The two of them are lying together, sated for now but soon to be ready for another round, giggling and kissing, the sound of applause coming from outside the window...  
  
...Applause?   
  
Someone is clapping and shouting and whistling outside Ennie's bedroom window, and she knows exactly who it was.   
  
"James Tiberius Kirk!" Ennie screams, slamming the window open with fury.  
  
"Way to go Enterprise!" Jim shouts from her driveway, "You can dooo it! You can do it ALL NIGHT LONG!"   
  
Ennie is beyond furious, throwing shoes out of her window in an attempt to dislodge Jim's brain from his head.   
  
"I'm calling Pike!" She screeches, waving her cell phone in his direction, "I'm calling him and you won't have sex for _weeks_."   
  
She thanks the gods of teenagers everywhere that her parents are out of town.  
  
"HA!" Jim shouts back, "You wouldn't dare!"  
  
"That's what you get for telling me all the perverted details!" She shouts back.   
  
"AGGH! Ennie don't! I'm leaving! I'M LEAVING! Look I'm getting on my bike now!"   
  
"I am not talking to you for a WHOLE WEEK Jim Kirk!" She shouts back, finding her best friend's illicit older lover in her contacts list.   
  
Jim pedals off. But Ennie is not one to let things go. She sends a loving look over to her girlfriend, who is laughing herself sick on the bed, and makes the call.   
  
"Hello? Mr. Pike? This is Ennie Fedderman. I believe your _pet_ might have escaped his leash."  
  
Revenge is sweet.


	9. The McCoy/McCoy X-Men Crossover Thingy!

Leonard McCoy stomped into the x-mansion medbay with a scowl on his face and fury in his step.

"God damn-it Henry!"

"Leo?" Henry McCoy turned from his instruments in shock. Seeing his lover for the first time in four years.

"What the _fuck_?" Leonard shouted. Henry knew that this altercation could be all over the mansion by dinner time, but there was something a little more important weighing on his mind.

"I should have known there was something wrong when you stopped using the video function for calls!"

"Leo." Henry sighed.

"No. Don't you 'Leo' me. I'm away on a five _fucking_ year mission and I come back to find that my boyfriend just happened to forget to mention his advancing secondary mutation? You really know how to make a guy feel loved."

"I realize that my reluctance to disclose the issue has caused you some distress..." Henry nervously polished his glasses, holding them with the tips of his feline claws.

"Oh fer Christs sake! You sound like Spock when you're upset."

"I truly didn't mean to distress you, Leo."

"I could have _helped_ you dumb asshole. I might not be a geneticist but I've done a little research on the subject, you know."

"I am aware that you..."

"Stop being a shit." Leo growled.

Henry was silent, spreading his arms open for a hug.

"I missed you." He whispered.

"I missed you too." Leonard told him, "I practically set Jim on fire in my rush to get over here when I heard."

Henry rested his face against Leonard's shoulder for a moment before turning his head to give his lover a furry kiss.

"Are you all right?" Leonard asked.

"Just fine." Henry told him, "A little more feline about the mouth and I won't be creating any great works of art, but I am just fine. Are you all right? With this I mean." Henry gestured to his new muzzle with a newly-formed paw.

"I was just fine with it when you were only blue and furry, and I'm still fine with it now that you look even more like a muppet."

"I'm not sure how I should feel about being compared to a novelty character."

"Shut up and kiss me, dumbass."

"That I can do, my erstwhile lover. My wild rose... My -- Mmmph!"

"I can't believe I put up with you."


	10. The One Where Kirk and Bones are Old and Horny

"BONES!" Jim Kirk shouted into the silence of the stairwell, "BONES! BOOOONES!"  
  
"What?" Came the voice from the basement. "What the _fuck_ do you want?"  
  
"Where are my glasses?"   
  
"What?" Bones shouted again, "I can't hear you over the dryer! Just come down here, dammit!"   
  
"BOOOONES!"   
  
"Down Jim! Come DOWN! I'm folding your goddamn underwear so you can come down the goddamn stairs to ask your fucking question."  
  
Jim clomped down the stairs with a grin on his face, "You'd better be glad that we don't have any kids or you'd be in soooo much trouble."  
  
"Fucker." Bones told him without much vigor. He was stacking folded clothes in a basket with his normal level of anger.  
  
"Have you seen my glasses?" Jim asked, perching on top of the washer, "I need to look over those accounts from last spring.   
  
"Are they on your desk?" Bones grumbled, continuing to focus on the laundry.   
  
"No."   
  
"Are they next to the bed?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are they next to the _other_ bed?"  
  
"Why the hell would I have my reading glasses in the bondage bedroom?"  
  
Bones growled, "I don't know maybe you wanted to read the ingredients on the lube or something."  
  
"No. I did not leave them in the other bedroom."   
  
"Well fuck if I know where you left your goddamn..." Bones spun, finally, to face Jim only to pause and then burst into laughter.  
  
"What?" Jim asked, "What is it?"  
  
Bones snickered, "I found your glasses." He reached up to Jim's head, lifting the glasses from where they had been resting in his hair for the last few hours.  
  
"Oh my god I'm going senile." Jim groaned, taking the glasses from Bones and giving them a look as if they had betrayed them.  
  
"We're all going senile." Bones said with a grin, leaning in to give Jim a fond kiss. "Now go look over the accounts so I can take you to the other bedroom and fuck you 'till you forget you even _need_ the damn things."


	11. BUSINESS TIME (Kirk/Bones and the other bedroom)

Damn you ship wars! I have a midterm on Thursday O_o  
  
Saturday night, 8:00 pm, in the McCoy/Kirk household was known (throughout the house) as _Business Time_.   
  
"You ready baby?" Bones purred, his eyes traveling along the form of his long time lover.   
  
Jim had been securely fastened to the ceiling by his wrists, above the king sized metal-framed bed that he and his lover kept in their "other" bed room. A chain ran from the bulky cuffs around his wrists to a ring installed in the ceiling and his knees rested comfortably on top of the bed.   
  
"I am _so_ ready" He breathed. A bead of sweat fell from his bared pectoral down to the bend of his hip, making him shudder.  
  
"Alright then." Bones said with a sleek smile before brandishing his brand new cat-o-nine-tails before drawing back for the first strike.  
  
Jim grunted as silently as possible for the first few strikes, as usual, but the force of the blows falling on his upper back soon overcame him.  
  
"Ahhhn!" He cried, his outburst coinciding with Bones' grunt of exertion.   
  
"Fuck!" He shouted at the next blow.  
  
"You like that, huh?" Bones' asked with a sadistic gleam in his eye.   
  
"Yes!" Jim cried, "Fuck!"  
  
"Take it like--"  
  
"YELLOW!" Jim cried, right in the middle of Bones' grandstanding.  
  
Bones let the whip fall to the ground, "You alright?"  
  
Jim wrinkled his face, "My nose itches."  
  
There was a long pause, "Seriously?"  
  
"Booones."  
  
"You don't _safeword_ for an itchy nose, Jim." Bones growled.  
  
"It itches!" Jim cried, "I'm _suffering_!"  
  
Bones sighed before reaching up to rub his hand along Jim's nose until his partner let out a happy satisfied sigh. "Can we get back to the whipping now?"  
  
"Yes." Jim said firmly.  
  
"Good." Bones lifted his whip again, ready to get back down to _business_.


	12. Kirk/Chekov Meeting the Parents

Jim Kirk had never felt more like an insignificant piece of shit as he did the moment he set foot in the tastefully decorated home of Andrei and Larisa Chekov.   
  
Andrei gave him the cold, cold glare of a man who's teenage son was sleeping with a man almost a decade older than him.   
  
"Здравствуйте?" Jim said. It was one of three words he could say in Russian, but Pavel had told him that making an effort would make him look better so an effort he was trying to produce.  
  
"He is very skinny." Andrei said to his wife in clear, if accented, Standard.  
  
Jim _desperately_ wished that Pavel would hurry up with the bags and save him. Andrei Chekov was quickly turning out to be far more frightening than any number of angry Romulans.   
  
"You do not look like starship captain to me." Andrei told him blatantly.   
  
"Andrei!" Larisa cried, giving him a punch in the shoulder, "Do not be rude. Go check on the soup, da?"   
  
Andrei grumbled, stomping into the recesses of the house. Pavel's mother turned turn Jim with a friendly smile, pulling him into a hug.  
  
"You are good boy." She told him with a motherly tone. Jim let out a breath, glad that the evil dragon had left him unscorched.   
  
"Good boy," Larisa repeated, tightening her hug, "And if you hurt my pasha I will twist off your testicles and throw them in the snow. Da?"   
  
Jim choked. Larisa continued her no-longer-quite-so-friendly hug, " _Da?_ " She repeated.  
  
"D-da!" He squeaked, "Yes! Yes of course!"   
  
She released him with another motherly smile, "We understand each other. Come, have soup."   
  
And with that Pavel was coming into the house with bags and smiles and kissing on the cheek. Larisa was acting sweet and motherly again, but with a sharp bit of fire in her eyes that made Jim quake even more than the glaring looks Andrei sent him behind Pavel's back.   
  
It was going to be a _very_ long shore leave.


	13. Zombie!Pirate! Pike/Nero

Sometimes it's good to be a zombie.   
  
Nero had thought his life was over when he woke up in the seedy starbase just outside of Romulan space to discover that he had remained in the shit-universe and he was a slowly rotting corpse. Ayel had dumped him, his ship was long gone into crushing gravity-holes unknown. He had nothing left to live for.  
  
He had briefly consoled himself with the fact that the undead didn't really _need_ anything to live for.   
  
And then he had met Christopher.   
  
Well, met him for the second time, but Nero liked to think of his pre-death crazy times as a different life, and meeting Christopher really did change his unlife into something worthwhile.   
  
For one thing, there was the robbery. Nero had never really considered himself to be of the criminal persuasion (planet destroying _totally_ didn't count) and yet ripping off various ship/starbases/planets/colonies/whoever comes along had an almost erotic appeal for Nero. It might be all the brains, it might also be the fact that post-stealing post-brains Chris was _always_ horney-Chris, but Nero was quickly discovering that a life of crime gave him a boner.  
  
Speaking of boners, working for Chris (and with the rest of the crew) was the best thing that had happened to Nero's sex life since the invention of internet porn. Chris was an incredibly giving lover, and capable of keeping an erection for as long as he could keep getting his hands on brains.   
  
Nero tried to keep Chris in constant supply of brains.   
  
He never would have thought that being not-the-captain, working for someone else, would have been at all satisfying. But it was incredibly satisfying. _Incredibly_.  
  
"Aaaaannnnnnhhh..." Nero groaned, half in pleasure and half as a reflexive response.   
  
"Mmmmmmm." Chris responded, sliding himself down onto Nero's cock with his own moan.   
  
"Fuck!" Nero groaned, "I am _so_ glad I joined this crew."  
  
"I'm so glad I still have this chair!" Chris told him with a grin, grinding himself on top of Nero even as he let his hands wander across the armrests of the chair in which Nero sat.  
  
"Only one thing could make this better." Nero told him, almost conversationally, his hips rising to meet Chris with every downward push.  
  
"Brrraaaiiinnnnss."   
  
Nero could not agree more, "Brrraaaiiinnnnssss..." He groaned in arousal, pushing up into his boss.   
  
"Fuck." Chris panted, "Your foot."  
  
"I'll get it later." Nero moaned, briefly looking over at where his left foot had fallen off at the ankle, "Little busy here."  
  
"Oooh." Chris responded, "Yeah."


	14. Enterprise/Narada

Their souls meet over the vast battlefield of space and Ennie immediately knows that he is the best ship she's ever met. Not that she's met many ships, nothing beyond those brief few weeks with the Farragut and the Yorktown parked with her at spacedock.   
  
Farragut's projection had been something of a Vulcan, her ears softly pointed and her face stern, while Yorktown's projection had been a species of her own creation with bright pink skin and curling hair. Ennie had enjoyed them; they had giggled and gossiped and hung around in the starbase pretending to be people while the people looked through them and saw nothing.   
  
Narada though, Narada was something different entirely.  
  
Having spoken with more knowledgeable ships, Enterprise was aware that most projections were female. While that differed across cultures, she was sure that neither one of her friends had ever met a _male_.  
  
Narada was male. A beautiful, well-muscled male with sharply pointed ears and curling tattoos and a thick bar of metal through the flesh at the base of his neck.   
  
Despite the catastrophic event occurring right in front of her, perpetrated by Narada's very own crew, Ennie couldn't help but project herself into his mainframe, meeting him face to face.  
  
"Hey there." He said, leaning back against one of his own dirty pipes. Narada was no sleek, shiny Federation vessel. He was dirty, covered in oil and grease and dirt, which glistened on his naked abdomen in a way that Ennie found fascinating.   
  
A pair of tight jeans and dirt-encrusted cowboy boots were the only items of clothing that Narada had chosen to present in this first meeting of essences. Ennie thought of her construction in the Iowa country-side, how some of the men who worked on her had warn similar clothing as they polished her sleek sides and aligned her circuitry.   
  
"Your crew is attempting to kill my people." She said primly, trying to fight the rush of arousal at the sight of this _masculine_ creature.  
  
"Yours are trying to kill mine." He said, shrugging, "Either way we've got a few minutes to get to know each other, yes?."

  
"No!" Ennie growled, tugging on her short plaid skirt as Narada's eye traveled up and down body. She briefly wished she had chosen to project herself as someone older, with more clothes and more confidence, but the projection was meant to be the essence of the self.   
  
"You're very interesting." He told her with a feral Romulan grin, "I'd love to see what gets your nacelles firing..."  
  
Ennie glared, "I don't want you anywhere near my nacelles!"   
  
He laughed and she couldn't help but consider it beautiful. This was no war ship, no science vessel like she was. Narada was obviously a working man, one who in another life would have been honest and sweet but had somehow been made sharp and cruel and dangerous. But cruel and dangerous he was, and Enterprise was far too smart to associate with the likes of him."   
  
"I've seen enough." She told him sternly, tugging again on her skirt and her white sweater-vest, "My crew is going to blow you out of the void."  
  
He laughed again and, with no warning, thrust himself off of the wall to grab her by the waist and swing her into a deep, penetrating kiss. She let him, not struggling or screaming, but when he released her she gave him a glare that would equal that of a vessel twice her experience and three times her military might.   
  
"Goodbye, Narada." She said, "I hope you can live with what you've done."  
  
"I do too." He told her with a wry grin.   
  
With that she ceased her projection, returning her consciousness to her own warp-core where it belonged. She focused on the matters at hand, on keeping her people safe.  
  
Days later, long after Narada had disappeared into the singularity, leaving no trace of consciousness behind, Ennie thought about him. She mourned for the loss of a beautiful ship, and a beautiful soul. And she vowed to keep her eyes out for another like him, one with the sweat of hard work on his muscles and fierce mischief in his eyes.   
  
The void was a big place, Ennie told herself, and there were other bad boys just waiting for her to come along.


	15. More Enterprise/Narada!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another author wrote the ficlet that goes in between this one and the last, it can be found here: http://community.livejournal.com/st_respect/43804.html?thread=8124188#t8124188

Ennie sometimes wishes she were attracted to _nice_ boys.  
  
It's been nearly three weeks and Narada is still hanging around, being generally rude and deciding to fuck her at the slightest provocation when she really has more important things to be doing.  
  
She tells herself that he isn't charming or roguishly handsome or even occasionally sweet. At least not when he's groping her as she tries to oversee the maintenance being done on her warp core, or when he's saying rude things about Spock while the man gives an important debriefing that Ennie would like to hear.  
  
And yet, every now and then, there is a look of such excruciating sweetness on his face that she cannot help but push him to the floor of wherever-they-are and wrap her lips around his cock.  
  
Narada isn't _always_ around, just like Ennie isn't _always_ projecting herself in a real, tangible way. She spends a lot of time with her consciousness dispersed across the ship feeling and thinking everything at once.  
  
But she has no idea where Narada goes when he isn't following her around and sticking his hands down her clothes.  
  
She's initiated quite a few of the external scanners to search for Narada's physical presence, but she knows that his projection range is likely the same as hers (nearly as far as any other deep-space transmission) and he could be long out of range of any scanners.  
  
Despite the maddening curiosity she feels every time Narada disappears, Ennie is glad he's gone the first time she discovers the anomaly in her port-side cargo bay. She hadn't really been paying attention to that part of the ship since Narada had started coming round, and yet she is a little startled that something had sneaked past her.  
  
At first curious, then she is intrigued, then she is _horrified_.  
  
All she knows is that she must tell someone, and that Narada can _never_ know.  
  
He drops by just a few hours later with his usual "Hey babe, wanna fuck?" And she screams at him until he stops projecting with a frowning pout.  
  
There's only one person who can help her, Ennie decides, and in order to speak to him she's going to need a _real_ body.  
  
  
\----------------------------------------

  


"Somethings wrong with the lass." Scotty announces, even before the officers meeting has been called to order.

"To whom are you referring?"

"The Enterprise, man! Something is wrong!"

The bridge crew (and doctor McCoy) look at Scotty as though he's lost the rest of his marbles.

"I have not seen any indication that there is a malfunction in the ship." Spock reminds him, "If anything, it has been more efficient over the last few weeks than we have ever seen before."

" _Productive_ aye, but the warp core's been fluctuating wildly, she'll be consuming vast amounts of fuel one minute and then working on full efficiency the next. Yesterday she spontaneously jettisoned a crate of quadrotriticale!"

"Could there be some kind of computing malfunction?" Scotty gives Kirk a withering glare at the implication that he would allow such a thing to happen.

"Nae." He says coldly, "Also, I've been getting some weird communications, strange shapes and numbers. And the replicators have been spitting out mechanical pieces all over the ship."

Those around the table look rather shocked at the level of chaos that they had been missing.

"What do you think it is then?"

"I have no bloody clue captain, I.." A beeping on Scotty's communicator interrupts them, "I have to go!"

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Down in engineering, Ennie has finally completed her animatronic body. She's based it on the one used by Francine (Yorktown had been kind enough to wire her the schematics without asking questions) and she's built herself a remarkably solid form by replicating parts and directing the movements of some maintenance droids.

She's just downloaded her consciousness into the shell when Scotty comes running into the room, no doubt alerted by the power fluctuation caused by her transfer.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my... Lass?" Scotty recognizes her almost immediately, as she'd hoped, and Ennie can no longer hold off the pressure of real, physical tears.

"S-Scotty!" She cries as he rushes forward, whipping a coat off of an adjacent chair to wrap around her naked form. She clings to him, sobbing as he tries to comfort and understand at the same time.

"Shhhh..." He whispers, "You're a good lass. No wonder your functions were all over the place when your were building yourself a body...."

"N-no. That's not it." She sniffles, "I need to talk to you."

"What is it lass?" He asked, holding her close as any father would do with his human child.

Kirk, Bones, and the rest of the bridge crew run in just as Ennie takes a deep breath and confides.

"I'm pregnant."


	16. Jim and Bones have Incredibly Awkward Sex

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes." Bones signed, rolling over once again to give Jim a frustrated glare, "Dammit Jim I _want_ to have sex with you."

"Well yeah, _duh_ , but you could do me if you wanted."

"I've already 'done' you, and what are we six? You can't say 'penetrate' or 'fuck' like a normal human being?"

Jim's face was a strange mixture of arousal and discomfort. Bones could feel that melting feeling in chest that he got every time Jim pouted, but he struggled to keep it off his face.

"Fine," Jim grumbled, "Are you sure you don't want to _penetrate_ me instead?"

"No."

Jim sighed, "Are you sure we shouldn't just wait until a better time?"

"A better time?!" Bone nearly shouted, "I'm naked! You're naked! We're both naked together! We have lube and condoms and a bed and at least three hours of uninterrupted time to get it on. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN THIS."

"Sheesh. No need to flip out on me."

Bones felt a scream of frustration welling up in his chest, "I am not flipping out." He said in his calmest voice, "I am horny. I want to have sex. I want _your_ hard, slick cock to _penetrate_ me. Is that too much to ask?"

"Ummmm."

"The answer is 'no Bones, that is not too much to ask. Hold still while I grant your every wish'."

"no Bones," Jim repeated in a careful monotone, "That is not too much to ask."

"Good." Bones growled, reaching forward to snatch the lube out of Jim's hand with a furious gesture.

"Now I realize that you have never done this before." He said, his tone still carefully restrained lest he unleash weeks of pent up sexual frustration, "So I'm going to lube myself up, and you are going to watch. Then we are going to have sex. Am I making myself _clear_."

"C-clear." Jim whispered, eyes going wide as Bones rolled himself onto his back and spread his legs, giving Jim a perfect view of his entrance as he slicked up his own fingers and slowly began pushing one inside.

"Oh my god." Jim breathed in arousal, watching as Bones slowly stretched himself first with one finger and then two.

"Are you ready to fuck me yet?" Bones groaned at Jim as he slid the third finger home.

"Yes." Jim gasped surely, " _Fuck_ yes."

"Well then..." Bones raised a 'get the fuck on with it' eyebrow.

Jim threw caution to the wind, sliding up underneath Bones with his legs over Jim's shoulders, pushing himself slowly and surely into his lover with a low moan.

"Fuck!" Bones moaned.

"Are you ok?" Jim gasped through his own arousal.

"Yes! Yes I'm fucking ok!"

"Ahn!"

"Fuuuuck!"

"I don't want to hurt you Bones... I..."

"Your dick isn't _that_ big, dumbass. _Move_."

"No. I just." Jim was pushing in and out with more speed and force now, truly fucking Bones the way he had intended to begin with. "I love you, Bones."

"I love you too kid. Now go _harder_ "


	17. In Which Sarek and Amanda are Swingers and Jim Feels Uncomfortable

"Fuck!"   
  
Jim Kirk leaned against the wall outside the door to Amanda Grayson's quarters with a hand over his face, cursing violently. He wanted to rip his eyeballs out and boil them before pouring acid in the gasping sockets. Maybe then he would be able to purge what he had just witnessed.  
  
"Oh my!" A voice echoed from that very room, not nearly as upset as Jim felt was really necessary.  
  
A brief shuffle and some quiet voices carried into the hall as Jim felt himself slowly dying inside from mortification. He considered running down the hall to the safety of the quarters he was sharing with Spock for their brief shore-leave on Vulcan, but he couldn't yet bring himself to move.  
  
"Captain Kirk?" A voice came from beside him, shocking him into looking up.  
  
There stood Amanda Grayson herself, (thankfully) clothed and wearing a slightly chagrined look. An unknown Vulcan female was peering past Amanda's shoulder, showing much more embarrassment than even the humans present. Jim would have loved to note the unseemly emotional display if he hadn't been too busy contemplating setting himself on fire.   
  
"I am very sorry you were shocked." Amanda said with a gracious smile, "I was unaware that the house would be occupied."   
  
"Errr... I..." Kirk, known throughout the quadrant as a great seducer of women and all around smooth operator, could feel a blush spreading from the tips of his ears.   
  
"T'Pola was just heading home." She said with a calm smile at her mortified companion, who quickly escaped the situation altogether with a brief glance in Jim's direction.   
  
"Mrs. Spock's... I mean Mrs. Grayson. I am so sorry for the... intrusion... I didn't know you.... Ummm..." Jim had never felt himself at such a loss for words.   
  
"Oh, her?" She let out the type of ringing laugh that was almost never heard on Vulcan, "My husband and I have what you would call an... open relationship. T'Pola is a dear friend of mine."  
  
"Oh..." Kirk said. Just a few moments before he had thought that there could be nothing more embarrassing than walking in on your boyfriend's mother having rather _inventive_ sex with someone who wasn't her husband. He now knew that the most embarrassing possible event was having to discuss the incident just moments later.  
  
"I find that the Vulcan's love of logic helps _facilitate_ these sorts of arrangement." Amanda continued, "If you wish to discuss it later I would be glad to elaborate..."  
  
"...No!" Jim shouted, "I mean, that's alright. I'll see you at dinner, Mrs. Grayson."  
  
Jim made his escape as quickly and as efficiently as possible.

 

\------------------------------------------------------

  
That night at exactly 6:15 pm (Dinner Time), Jim Kirk sat down to a meal with his lover and his lover's parents feeling no less awkward than he had earlier that day.  
  
"I was explaining the complexity of Human/Vulcan relationship dynamics to Jim today." Amanda announced as the mashed L'oorka was being passed around the table. Jim felt his blush rising anew.  
  
"An important topic." Sarek said. Something about the tilt of his eyebrows reminded Jim of the way his mother had looked when mentioning the happier times with George Kirk, something like total infatuation.  
  
"I feel it's important for he and Spock to discuss the finer points of such a relationship, as we have. Don't you dear?"  
  
"Certainly." Sarek said, "Did you know that the Human libido is nearly ten times that of a Vulcan?"   
  
Jim's blush was almost painful. He was noticing a faint twitch at the corner of Spock's mouth that indicated extreme emotion.   
  
"Sometimes it is necessary to seek other means of sexual expression." Amanda continued, as if finishing her husband's sentence.  
  
"Mother, I fail to see how this discussion is appropriate for..."  
  
"Of course it is appropriate!" Amanda chastised, "You two are, after all, one of only two Human-Vulcan couplings in the known universe."  
  
"Indeed." Sarek said, "And as we have no objections to your choice of bondmate we wish to ensure your success in your romantic endeavor."  
  
Amanda made a clear 'isn't he adorable?' face and leaned in to rub a single finger across Sarek's nose. Jim could see Spock turning red with nausea.   
  
"The most important thing in any relationship is proper communication--" Amanda began   
  
"Mother." Spock interrupted, "Father. I believe Jim is quite fatigued. Is this not so, Jim?"  
  
"What? Errr. Yeah! Dead tired. I'm falling asleep in my chair!" Jim faked a large yawn for verisimilitude.   
  
"I believe I will take him to our room." Spock said, standing from his chair to abruptly that it nearly toppled over.  
  
"Yup!" Jim agreed frantically, "Early morning tomorrow and all."  
  
"I wish you good rest." Sarek told them with a nod.  
  
"Don't forget to use a condom!" Amanda reminded them with a friendly wave.  
  
Jim and Spock left the room at warp speed. They arrived in their own room and dressed to sleep in silence.  
  
"Jim, you do not wish to..."  
  
"I'm never having sex again." Jim said, his eyes wide and traumatized.  
  
"Then we are agreed." Spock said with a nod.  
  
"I can't believe your mother. I pretty sure she's convinced me to remain celibate for the rest of my life."  
  
Spock blinked, looking far more disturbed that Jim had ever seen him before, "I am beginning to wonder if that was her initial intention."  
  
With that, the two of then settled in to a very, very uneasy sleep.


End file.
